Herb Neufeld and the case of the Chinese Checker
by
Ulla Thomsen
Agent:
Frank Réage
0044 844 704 8170
FX:
we are in a games/joke shop in Heidelberg
Herb
V.O [whispers]: Under threat, my awful neice, Amarilla, has requested that I get her a
game for her birthday.. so here I
am in Kaufstrasse, fulfilling her
every wish, gamewise...
Herb: Excuse
me Fraulein
Annie
[the assistant]: Oh, you're the one who's whispering! Yes, what do you want, I haven't got much time ..
Herb: Ermm..
I was thinking about buying a game
Annie: well,
it's certainly good to hear that you're alive
from the neck up! ... carry on then, there
they all are over there, that at least is obvious
... even to a blind-
Herb: What're
these here?
Annie: Oh, just
other boring games
Herb: Boring
games heh, just ... boring games ?
Annie: Let's
talk about something more interesting, shall
we, I find this sort of discussion completely
unenlightening ...
Herb: Hows
about the Pelopennesian Wars, for example?
Annie: Current
affairs have always been my weakness
Herb: Dancing
then ?
Annie: Ha..
Dancing!
Herb: Arabic
Tribal dancing ?
Annie: ..anyway
these games over here are blocking games,
as you probably know, based upon the ancient
Chinese, Norse, and Medieval Blocking Games..
Herb: Yes ..
very interesting .. I'll take that one over
there.. you know.. the checker game .. see it!
Annie: Why!
Herb: Why?
Annie: Yes,
why!
Herb: I can't
think.. ah yes.. my Niece's game..
Anie|: What's
her name?
Herb: What's
her name?
Annie: Yes,
what's her name!
Herb: But
what's this got to do with..
Annie: My
name's Annie
Herb: Oh,
really, Hullo .. where was I ...
Annie: No
Herb: Really?
I mean ... no?
Annie: Really
no, you mean!
Herb: Well,...... first could I consult my lawyer a moment please..?
Annie: Ah hah,
got you there!
Herb: Where's
the referee?!
Annie: You must
be joking.?. you can't be serious!
Herb: Anyway...
no you didn't
Annie: Yes I
did!
Herb: No you
didn't!
Annie: Oh,...
what the hell!
Herb: Anyway,
her name's Amarilla
Annie: Buon
Giorno
Herb: Now, to
get back to the game..
Annie: Ah, the
game.. yes the game's the thing, the English
always say
Herb: Well,
well
Annie: You said
something about a game ...
Herb: Ah Yes,
my niece's game..
Annie
[scrabbles around]: Look, take
this one..
Herb: Why ?
Annie: That's
not a question. More of an answer, really,
on a philosophical level ...
Herb: Is it?
Annie: Got you
there!
Herb: Just a
moment ... you know, despite everything, I
don't believe that this is a game I've ever played
before
Annie: Just ask
yourself... just what is the practical significance of a game.. the very Gestalt
of the thing, the fine red line as
they say between the software of
the game and the I, the single most
important fact in our personal, equivocal world..!
Herb: Yes.. I
must see your reading list but anyway.. about this-
Annie: It's not
as simple as that of course
Herb: No...
no?
Annie: The
software of the game is a living process.. a
development into symbols of all our thouights and
deepest fears.. a..
Herb
[clears throat]: I-....
Annie: Well,
you know, game shops and joke shops.. sometimes the two
become interchangeable .. it's
part of the dilemma of the modern woman, the
problem of personality and the demands of society..
the perception of women as a permanently
fecund, youthful, person.. the woman
as whore, as mother.. the problems of physical
and psychical aligmnment ....you see what
I mean ...?
Herb: Yes..
yes .. quite...actually, I came in here to
get my nasty niece a game..!
Annie: Ah, so
it was
Herb: Well...
I-
Annie: We don't
sell firearms here!
Herb: Well,
that's one thing clear, at least.. actually,
I thought you sold games here..
Annie: Games..
games? ... What?
Herb: What about
that one there, for example ..
Annie: It's
very good!
Herb: And
that one?
Annie: Chancey..
that's how I'd describe it..
Herb: Chancey..?
Annie: Why, do
you like your niece?
Herb: She's a
monster..!
Annie: Ahah!
Herb: Ah
hah!, what does that mean ..?
Annie: Give her
that one then...!
Herb: Why?
Annie: We can't
sell them.. they must be awful .. look,
I'll reduce the price on two or more..
Herb: Well,
now you're talking.. but anyway, they,re awfully
cheap.. you'll be paying me to take them
away next!
Annie: At last,
we have communication!
Herb: Well,
I'll take one then ..
Annie: Why not
take two..? take two.. go on.. look-
Herb: Now
you're pushing your luck!
Annie: Well,
one's better than none.. after all now we've
only got another 89 to go.. you've got to see
this thing in perspective, after all ...
Herb: Umm
...do they always deliver such large amounts..
I mean 90 games seems an awful lot ...?
Annie: Not
usually.. but this lot're a cut price bunch..
Herb: Reduce
the price and I'll give it a thought..
Annie: 25%
Discount then..
Herb: Well....
[thinks] I could give Habicht one for christmas,
after all it's only 5 months away!
Annie: Why not
take three; one for her, one for your other
friend, and one in reserve for someone else
you won't like next year.. !
Herb: Err...
is it really, really boring ?
Annire: My God,
it's a killer here sometimes.. some days
I just have to evaluate my life, examine my
nails, that sort of thing.. life can be so trying
sometimes.. and sales are slow at the moment ...
Herb: No, I
mean that game
Annie: Oh that,
oh, deathly, deathly..
Herb: Well,
three then ...
Annie: Good,
well I'll find some newspaper to wrap them
in so no-one will suspect that you've bought
anything..
Herb: ....
that's one way of looking at it!
Annie: I try to
think of things in a structural way, you
know ...
Herb
[aside]: All the Philosophers
live in Heidelberg dear readers-
it's the Philosophical crossroads of
the Galaxy!
Annie: What's
that!
Herb: Oh,
nothing, nothing
Annie: You said
something !
Herb: No, No,
hardly a word, actually, I mean sorry
Annie: Something
nasty, I heard you ...
Herb: Me?
Impossible ..!
Annie: Some
garbage about philosophers
Herb: What ?
...No.. I was.. I was.. thinking about the
...Philosopher's Walk.. immortalised by ..
Annie: Listen,
I've heard that line, get on to something
more interesting ...
Herb: Ehmm..
have you walked there recently..?
Annie: Well,
now you come to mention it..
Fade
To: FX Philosopher's walk: